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Antiques Jokes
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The new IT manager and hot shot had just moved into his new offices, and used the firms expense account to furnish it with expensive antiques. Sitting there in all that luxury and feeling important, he saw a man walk into the outer office and speak to the secretary. He picked up the phone, pretending to look busy and gestured to the man through the glass to 'come in'. The big deal was going through and money changing hands, big money and massive sales. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yes", he said, "I'm from the phone company, I've come to connect your phone!"

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in the Kent Road area of Waterloo, London. Among the objects on display is a brightly polished, brass, life-sized sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so intriguing and unique that he takes it to the counter and asks the shop keeper how much it is?
"A tenner for the rat, sir, and a thousand pounds for the story that is handed down to each new owner". "No thanks, a thousand pounds for a story is too much," said the tourist, "but I'll take the rat."
The man walks out of the shop, the rat tucked under his arm and heads off up the road. As he crosses the street, he notices a rat emerging from a road drain, and fall into step behind him. At the same time another rat, and another, emerge from the sewers and apparently start to follow him. He nervously looks over his shoulder and seeing he is gathering quite a following of rats, begins to walk faster.
By now he's beginning to attract attention and people are shouting warnings to the tourist as hundreds, maybe thousands of rats are chasing him down the street. He begins to trot, to get away, but still the rats are keeping up with him and in panic he starts to run full pelt. He sees the river and Lambeth bridge in front of him and heads toward the bridge with thousands of rats squealing and scurrying around his heels.
He jumps up onto the side of the bridge and hurls the brass rat into the Thames as far as he can throw it. He watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats jump off the bridge into the Thames and drown.
Confused and visibly shaken, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah," says the shop owner "so you've decided to pay up and buy the story, have you?" "Not exactly," says the tourist "I was just wondering if you have any brass lawyers?"

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A guy with a severe stutter applied for a job in an antique shop. The shop owner never believed he'd make it as a salesman, and was about to tell the guy to look elsewhere. The stutterer begged for the job, "P-p--ple-ease g-g-ive m-m-mee a ch-cha-a-ance. I-i-c-c-can d-d-o i-i-tt, h-hon-hon-estly."
"Well," the owner said, "OK." He offered to trial him for the rest of the day to see if he could sell one or two items. "I have to go out for a few hours, try to sell that old antique bible in the corner, I've had it here for 5 years. If you can sell it, you've got the job!"
After lunch the owner returned to find the bible had gone. The stutterer had indeed sold it. The manager was impressed, and asked how he had achieved such an impressive sale.
"E-e-easy," said the guy, and explained that when a woman came into the shop, he said, "G-g-good a-a-ftern-n-n-noon, M-m-ma'am. I-i-'m s-s-selling t-th-this B-b-bible. W-w-w-would y-y-you l-l-l-like to b-b-b-buy it, or sh-sh-sh-ould I j-j-j-ust r-r-read it t-t-t-to you?"

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Apparently this joke is attributed to the late and great, Tommy Cooper.

Whilst clearing out the loft in the family home, a man finds a rather nice painting and a tatty old violin. Remembering that such things should never be discarded before being valued, he takes them to the local auction house to show an expert.
"Well, this is interesting, sir," says the auctioneer, "what you have here is a Turner and a Stradivarius. Have you heard of either of them?" The man replies, "Very vaguely, the names ring a bell somewhere, why?"
"Well, unfortunately for you, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter;.. and Turner made rubbish violins."

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This is a true story overheard at an antiques trade fair, on a very cold winters day. One dealer to another; "I'm cold, I must be getting old". To which the other replied, "We're all getting older, dear - the only thing that's not getting older is these antiques."

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An antique dealer was taking the day off from his busy stall and decided to go fishing. But his wife was insistent that he also take care of his baby daughter while she went shopping. He decided it would be okay and to take his baby daughter along on such a beautiful day.
"I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his wife that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his wife said. The dealer said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

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A blonde antique trader was terribly overweight and could hardly fit behind the counter, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

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A shady antiques dealer was doing the rounds and ended up on an old ladies doorstep. He rings the doorbell and Mrs. Smith appears.
"Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see if you had any antiques for sale." The woman says, "Well, I'm not sure, come on in and we'll have some tea."
While sitting at the coffee table, the dealer notices a Royal Doulton bowl on the table full of almonds. "That's a nice bowl of almonds!" says the dealer, all the time wondering how he was going to get hold of the bowl. "Mind if I have one?"
"Not at all, have as many as you like" replies the old woman. After a few hours of negotiating, the dealer looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has taken decides to give up and says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them next time I visit."
To which Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother sonny. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."

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The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired from the auction house, you were there to support me. When my antique business failed, you were there. When I got shot by that burglar, you were by my side. When we lost the house in a bad deal, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're really bad luck."

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The antique shop owner was doing a roaring trade, when the shop next door was taken over by another antique shopkeeper, who erected a large sign, which read, BEST ANTIQUE DEALS IN TOWN.
Trade was hit bad, when to his horror, the very next week, another antique dealer set up shop on the other side of him, and erected an even larger sign, which read, FINEST QUALITY ANTIQUES AT THE BEST PRICES IN TOWN.
The antique shopkeeper thought his business was destroyed, until he had a bright idea. Next day he erected an even bigger sign, right above his own shop doorway, it read, MAIN ENTRANCE.

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A slick antique dealer moves to the country, buys a large house with land and decides he's going to slow down the fast pace of city dealing and take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

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An antiques expert was waiting to meet a corporate client at the VIP lounge of Heathrow airport, when he noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
The corporate clients plane was running a little late, so the antique expert had a few minutes spare, and, being a straightforward kind of guy, approached the Microsoft chairman. "Hello, Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor?"
"Yes?" said Bill. "I'm sitting right over there," said the antique expert, pointing to an empty seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind, when he arrives, as to walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?" "Sure." The antique guy shook his hand, thanked him and went back to his seat.
Eventually, the client showed up. They ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, someone tapped the antique expert on the shoulder. It was Bill Gates. "Hi, Ray," he said. The antique expert replied, "Get lost Gates, can't you see I'm in a meeting?"

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A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich antiques dealer to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house, my antique paintings, furniture and 2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the antique shops in Portobello road and 1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong....... Hi Dan!"

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